One Crazy Night

It has been 2 months since I receive that crazy phone call in the middle of the night. I will never forget the panic coming from the voice on the other line… yelling in my ear… “Jen! Your house is on fire! Oh my God! Jen, where are your animals!? The fire department wants to know, Jen!” I remember this as if it were yesterday. It has only been two months. Our lives have changed drastically from that one crazy night. In a brief moment…we went from a family that was temporarily staying in a hotel room for a sled hockey tournament….to a family that was now homeless. We went from a calm and restful night of sleeping together, to a family that was filled with fear about what had just occurred and what would be coming. But what could we do in that moment? What could we do? Except wait and be. Become. Be in the moment. Be with our fears. Be with our doubts. Be with our internal clocks that wanted to rush home and save our lives. There was nothing we could do but sit there and wait for the phone calls from friends and neighbors that would be filling us in on what was going on with our house. They would fill us in on the graphic details…that the small animals that filled our house with chirps in the air from my son’s two birds, the sounds of bubbly water from our daughter’s fish, and the quite warmth of my son’s gecko, would no longer be around. We waited to hear if our dog, cat, and turtle would make it. We waited. Relief came over us when we learned that they were all safe.

But our lives were forever altered. Forever changed in ways that no one could fathom unless you have walked in this experience. For all beings take disaster in different ways and process life in their own perceptions. For us…our perception has always been to take what life throws at you…to catch it…and throw it right back. Some of us may drop the ball from time to time…but overall…it’s about picking it up again…and trying over and over again until one day you throw that ball back and it never returns.

This is my journey through it all...through the last 2 months…through a life time of healing that came to me on that One Crazy Night. I will speak of times and perceptions of myself that have clouded my ability to see the light and know that the darkness was just my illusion that I created…most of my life. In this writing there is healing…not only for me…but for my family…and those that this will extend to. I will speak of the healing that has been happening between my children, between myself and my children, and the healing that has come over me that has directly changed my relationship with my husband. Oh, there is much to say, much to do, and much to share. All about that One Crazy Night…

I was armed that night.  I was armed with an army of angels that stayed by me all night long.  I could feel them all around me.  I knew that they were trying to assure me that this was divinely orchestrated for our life.  That everything was exactly as it should be.  As I panicked inside, I showed only that of a calm demeanor to my children.  As I spoke to them and assured to them that all would be ok and that they had nothing to worry about.  My insides shook with fear.  As I spoke of our lives and how having each other is all that we needed….I wrestled with the thought that all of our stuff would be gone.  As I hugged and consoled and spoke of their pets being ok.  I knew in my heart that they were not.  It was a night full of extremes.  Full of heart ache.  Full of heart wrenching turmoil.  Full of despair and at the same time, peace. 

Andy, my husband, quickly found a way to get an early flight back to Illinois.  We received the phone call that changed our lives at 1:30am and by 4am he was on his way to the airport.  He had just flown into Philadelphia only 14 hours earlier to meet up with his family for my son’s sled hockey national tournament games.  I held myself together as he left the hotel room.  I told myself inside to keep it together.  This was not the first time I had experienced a tragedy.  Actually, I have grown a custom to the unusual.  My life has been far from typical.  Still, I felt insecure and downright afraid.  But I told myself that feeling these emotions could wait.  I had to hold it together.  I had to get through the weekend.  I had to be there for Ethan and my other two children.  This was Ethan’s weekend.  It was his turn to shine. We were in Philadelphia for his Sled Hockey’s team National Championship games.  His 12^th birthday was the very next day.  We were exactly where we were supposed to be.  We were in one of the most inspirational places that anyone could be.  I was the lucky one who stayed behind with the kids.  I worried about Andy.  I worried that he would be ok.  I worried about what he would be facing.  I worried that there would be nothing left. 

As I shut the door of the hotel room….and stood there wondering what to do now that he is gone…I turned towards my kids who had fallen back asleep.  I watched them lying there so peacefully.  How could they be sleeping right now?  How is it that they are able to lie there undisturbed after hearing that our house had just burned?  And then I recalled my sweet assurances to them…. I had been assuring them all along that everything would be ok….that all is well…that there was nothing to fear…that they should go back to dreaming because all would be taken care of.  There was nothing left for me to do either… so I laid down in the bed next to my daughter who drifted away in her dreams.

I laid there wondering and praying, asking for guidance, asking to be shown.  I laid there surrounded in hues of purple.  Purple energy came over my body in encasements of love and honor and beauty.  These colors are not ordinary colors.  I see them often in healing sessions.  Now, it was my own healing that was being orchestrated from above.  The energy took over the room.  It wrapped around the room like a tidal wave of purplish hues that took no mercy upon fear.  It loved it to death….

The hughes of healing draped over me for the rest of the early morning hours until sunrise.  I knew in these moments that this was perfectly orchestrated that this fire was a metaphor for how our lives would be changed forever.  I felt reassured.  I felt peace.  I didn’t want to leave my bed.  But as the sun began creeping from behind the hotel room blinds…I knew that it was time to part ways.  I asked them to hang out and surround us constantly….this is what they did…

 

Listen to the Darkness & Feed Your Light Body

Today, I sit in front of a blazing light that projects warmth and goodness through my entire body.  It is called, "Light Therapy".  Meant to imitate the sun's rays that we get unlimited amounts of in the summer time.  It is one of the steps I have taken to nourish my Spirit's need for light in the winter time.  I have a natural tendency to gravitate towards light.  This is why I love the summer time and feel ultimately full of life during this time of year.  Going into the fall, I begin to feel the effects of the coming cold weather and shorter days but they do not predominate in my life.   As the days become shorter and shorter and the darkness becomes more and more apparent I begin to shift into a slower mode that craves more sleep, less activity, and more comfort foods.  I slip into a darkness that is difficult to see when you are in it and even more difficult to transcend when the darkness that I feel seems so real.   So, when I wrote the last blog...."Winter Sucks", I had come to the point of  'having enough' of the winter blues and ready to turn my temper tantrums into productive action.  You see, it is ego that just wants to feel 'sorry' for itself for a little while and then it is time to act.  I allowed my sorrow filled moments to 'be', allowed myself to go into that space of darkness and feel.  Knowing that as I embrace the darkness I will emerge with lightness.  So,  I took action.  I braved the cold that day.  I was determined to evolve.  I put on my boots and heavy winter coat that covers me from head to toe.  I used my energy in a positive direction to make change.  I was ready.  Fear was my friend...finally.  Together we embraced the winter and found ways in the coming days and weeks ahead to make beneficial changes.  These changes came to me naturally because of my faith and belief that they would.  I payed more attention to my diet with the knowing that if I am a being who craves light I must bring in more light filled nourishing foods and water into my body that will satisfy my cravings for light.  I put down the extra carbs and dencer foods and picked up more of the fresh raw vegetables and fruits I love to eat in the summer time.  I payed attention to using the colors of the rainbow to feed all of my chakras.  Red radishes, apples, tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries & red peppers fed my root chakra. Orange carrots, oranges, butternut squash and pumpkin nourished my second chakra.  Yellow squash, spaghetti squash, pears & lemons opened my power chakra. Green kale, leafy greens, cilantro, parsley, and cucumbers fed my heart.  Blueberries, eggplant, dates, figs, cleared my throat and third eye.  Fresh mineral rich water fed my spirit, my crown chakra.  I connected and prayed knowing that I would continue to be guided to what I needed more of and less of in my life, nutritionally and in my relationships.  I took salt baths to pull out the negative energy I was feeling in my body and had unconsciously collected from others.  I distanced myself from the relationships that fed my darker side and brought back in more of the light filled heart centered people that fill me up.   I went to places that resonate with light vibration and did activities that brought in more light.  I also just 'happened' to have a scheduled appointment with my wholistic osteopathic doctor a week later who also had some wonderful input as to how I could improve my low energy and seasonal affective  disorder type behaviors.  I implemented all of these suggestions along with what I had already been doing and immediately began to feel like my light filled summer self again.  I am incredibly thankful for these experience.  They have taught me well.  They have given me the tools I need to continue to help myself and raise my vibration.  I share all of this with you in hopes that more will see how important it is to take care of our spirit and our bodies that are light filled and vibrant.  The more we can fill our "Light Bodies" with light and high vibrations the better we will feel and the more positive about life we become.  We are Light Bodies needing to be filled in all aspects of our being.  I encourage you to feel all types of energy around you and how these different energies affect your being.  It is when we can tune into this awareness and allow it to teach us that we can make the changes necessary to fill our lightness.  Our spirit will guide and direct us to the high vibrations and frequencies we need.  We only need to be ready to listen.  From the foods we eat, to the environment we live in , to the thoughts we think, to the faith that we hold deep within our hearts....we are always evolving, transcending, moving closer to our oneness.  Charge on my friends and know only good will come.  Feed your Light Body.  Feed it well.  It is your connection to the Oneness you are seeking.  The lightness...the openness...the beingness that resonates from within.

Namaste
Jennifer

Winter Sucks! My Perception about this time of year...

This morning I woke up with a terrible feeling in my body.  It was the feeling I always get this time of year...that feeling of the winter blahs.   This is the time of year where I just want to go south and never return to the cold again.  I have a hard time with winter.  The cold seeps into my bones creating an ever present chill that makes me want to pull the bed covers over my head and go for a hibernating sleep that will not wake me until spring time.  I find it difficult to want to do anything.  The usual chores that I need to get done around the house are even a real pain in the butt because it is cold and snowy outside.  So...I usually do all the things that sends me into a more depressed state...I eat more, I sleep more, and I do less...thus creating an ever present spiral into a downward shift.  It's a beautiful pattern that I have during the winter time.   I always learn more about myself in these days of darkness than ever before.  There is something about living in the darkness for awhile that teaches you more about life than just living in the light.  Yes, it is wonderful to be light filled and I encourage everyone to be filled with light but there are times when it is necessary to feel the darkness so that we can burn that much brighter.  So, what did I do this morning when I awoke into my miserable state of hating winter?   I forced myself to get up...because I had to...I had Mom responsibilities needing attention.   Thank goodness for my kids...or I'd never get up (-;   I forced myself down the stairs to make my tea and sit sipping caffeine trying to wake myself up for 20 minutes before the day began.   Finally, when I felt the wakefulness that I search for on mornings like these I pushed myself to get up and start the day.  After the morning ritual of helping my kids get ready for school I decided that I had to embrace my perceived hatefulness towards winter.  If I didn't begin to change my thoughts about this time of year I would continue to make myself miserable.  So, I decided to embrace it fully...I put on my boots, my long winter jacket that covers me from head to ankles, gloves, and hat and went out into the miserable snow!  I went for a power walk to get rid of my frustrations about winter and to embrace this time of year fully.   I schlepped through the 2inch packed down snow on sidewalks, the slippery slush and ice, and the wind that hit my cheeks every couple of feet.  I plugged my ears with headphones and listened to my favorite tunes.  I breathed deeply and forcefully into the present moment as I stomped my feet and walked determined around the town.  I was on a mission and nothing was going to get in my way.  Nothing did.  I breathed, I walked, I furiously took on the winter blues and blahs and told them to go you know where.  I had it with feeling sorry for myself and found a way to turn my sour apples into apple pie.  And you know what happened?    I actually began to smile to myself half way through my temper tantrum walk.   I began to feel this lightness creep into my body.   I began to enjoy myself.  Then, suddenly, I  felt this undeniable urge to lie down in the blank open field of snow along my path and be a kid again.  I saw a fresh open patch of snow that was just calling for me to make a snow angel.  That is exactly what I did....I laid down on top of the white blanket and made my mark.  As I was doing it I hoped that someone would see me too and that it would bring a smile to their face just as it was bringing a sense of joy to mine.  I laid there and not only enjoyed the feeling of powder under my body but was able to take in a crisp blue sea filled sky above me. I was transformed.  I arose from my snow angel with a new sense of embrace for where I was and what I was feeling.  I emerged from my cocoon with wonder and deep gratitude for this time of year I so often despised.  I even elongated my walk and turned it into a time that I will savor and hope to do again in the next week.  All I can say is...my perceptions changed when I decided to go bravely into my fears and do what I hate most.  And you know what? I'd do it all over again.

Peace to you my friends...and may you charge bravely into your fears with the knowing that something delightful may come from having a temper tantrum every now and then.  

Come on...JUST DO IT...What are you waiting for?

I sit here in my kitchen....writing this blog. Why?  Because I know that there are about a million people out there who have probably walked the very same path I am walking but haven't shared it with anyone.  So, what am I doing every time I get out here in this web world?  I'm shining my light so that you shine yours!  That doesn't mean that only good happens to me, oh no...I have some pretty rough times but its how I perceive the rough edges that makes it good or bad or even that I am able to judge it at all.  You see, we all have these great aspects of ourselves where certain things are a bit easier for us than others.  These things just happen to come naturally.  You know...like being an organized person, or being able to connect with kids, or being able to know how to market something, etc. etc. etc.  You know what you are good at and not so good at.  Me?  I like to write.  But, as you may be able to tell, I have not had a whole lot of training in this aspect in my life.  That doesn't stop me...I just love to do it...so I do it.  I like to sing too...and my kids laugh at me every time I do because they hear how out of tune I am.  The point is, if you like to do something then JUST DO IT.  Don't let anyone tell you that it needs to be done like this or like that or it's not acceptable.  Rather, do it your way and fulfill that burning desire within you that wants to JUST DO IT.  I understand your hesitation...but most of the time no one cares anyway and no one is really watching you...they are too busy worrying about what they are doing to care about your thoughts and reasons why you are not doing what you want to do.  So, instead of worrying about what everyone is thinking just go out and do whatever it is your spirit has been wanting you to do!  I am... Why aren't you?
And one more idea on this topic...most of the time we don't do what we really want to do is because we think of all the reasons why we should be doing something else that is more important first.  Why?  Ego...and we also still have those silly old tapes playing in our heads from when we were kids and everyone always telling us how to do something the 'RIGHT' way.  It's like we have this little guy on our shoulder pointing the finger at us going, "You can't do that right now."   I'll tell you what...lets both go and tell that guy to "Shut up and shov' it!"  "I'm living my life, not yours, little man!"  And when we do this together we both help each other break these patterns that no longer serve us and shine a lot BRIGHTER.  What do you think?  Go ahead and give it a try, what do you have to lose anyway?  JUST DO IT!

Diary of a Woman of Light - Blog 17 - Make Fear Your Friend

Friends...

I send you light, pure light...uninhibited light...burning bright, to open your heart and the feel its perfection that already exists. It is.

Know your course of greatness.

I send you love, pure love, pure uninhibited love pouring down from the heavens over the cells of your body....filling each nucleus with patterns of love, pure love.

It is in your love for self, when you transform the world, your world.

With each step you take upon your journey, I encourage you to bring in more of what you are...to embrace all of you.  Embrace your lightness and your darkness.

I encourage you to make fear your friend.   Within your fears...all of them...there is a conquest in becoming...these fears are just lessons...they are just practice....and with each practice you become better and better at taming the gorilla that lives within you.  Love the gorilla, learn to hear its call, and intuitively tune into her messages.   Sometimes she is loving and sometimes she is fearful.  There is no right or wrong...there just is. Learn to speak her language and allow her to rest into the arms of your loving soul, spirit.  Remember that practice brings you closer to your brightness, awareness brings you closer to your truth, embracing your fears brings you closer to making her your friend.  When you are friends you can be there for each other....hold each other...and calm her doubts...and help her see that you know that she is all that you have ever wanted her to be, already.....al ready....you are all ready.  Ready to transform and be your divine light.  Take hold and know that this is your truth. 

 

With this I pray...

Love wipes away all doubts, all fears...it wipes and clears away all the illusions of pain and suffering. It speaks to us, and tells us that there is no cross to bear, the cross is/was meant to transcend our harboring into that of elation and love for self.  Speak with these words...do not be afraid of your greatness.  It is not that we are ever afraid of failing...it is not our fears of failure that hold us back from becoming...it is our fear of how bright we can become!  We have the potential...we have the seeds of greatness...if you just believe that you will grow....then tend to your garden.  Imagine the possibilities, it is not that anything could ever go wrong...it has never been about that...it is the fear for the potential for everything to go right!

 

Then what would your ego mind do?  What would she have to do with her life?  If she no longer has to be in misery, doubt, or fear...there would be nothing left for her to do but fly!  FLY my friend, fly my sister, fly my friend!!! Spread your wings, trust, and fly!  How high would you go?

How high would you go if you had nothing left 'to do' on your 'to do' list?  If there was no more treachery, fears, or sadness....what would you 'do' then?  This is very important....this is SO IMPORTANT!!!!  Hear this now...hear the call...it was never about the doing....it was never about the doing...ever.  It is always about the BEING that matters.  The idea is TO BE!  It is the great "I AM"!   It is the knowing, even when you don't know, that "I AM ALREADY EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DREAMED MYSELF TO BE!"  I am already everything I have ever wanted to become or have ever wanted someone else to become...they are already! IT IS IN THIS GREAT 'I AM' OF WHAT WE ALREADY ARE that we have nothing else 'to do' and we can finally be at peace from within. We can finally rest in the moment and know that all is finally well.  It is then that we have arrived.  We still 'do' our humanly things and get 'done' throughout our days but now our moments are far more enjoyable than they have ever been before.  There is now presence in the moments that is full of presents.  We find gifts of joy, hope, and uninhibited living in the moments when we can 'be' present in the present.  This is when we know we have finally made fear our friend....this is when we finally understand all of her lessons up until now...."YOU ARE ENOUGH".

You are

You are

You are

I Am

I Am

I Am

 

Mother light & mother love,

Amen

Diary of a Woman of Light - Blog 16 - Love Is

Dear Ones,

Bring in the present.  Bring in the present wherever you are.  Bring in the present with wherever you may be doing or knowing.  It is only when we base our assessment of a situation on the past, afraid of what the future may bring, that we get caught in the illusions of fear.  When we are being in the moment  & only in the moment is when we return to love.  That is the miracle of the present.  That is the gift we receive.  When we allow our thoughts to be present we remain in love.  When we no longer look to the past for information about the future, we remain in love.  When we remain in the now, we remain in love.  Birthing into this knowing can be a painful process.  But once it happens, once you are there, all is forgotten and you remember only of love.  When we are in the being, in the moment, you are knowing, feeling, being the Mother.  You are then the peace that you seek. It has always been there.   Hold yourself, nurture your being from within.  This is love.  You are what you have been waiting for.  When you finally see this, is when you finally know the love that you are.  When enough of us finally surrender to our love, the world finally becomes all that we have ever been trying to make it become.  When we finally know this for ourselves, love becomes our energy that allows us to shift the world just in our being.  It is not in the doing.  It is in the being that we transform the world.  Love only is....it does nothing, it seeks nothing, it has nothing to show, it only is.  Love has no gender, it has no name, it just is.  Love does not 'do' anything.  It only is.  Love is not separate, it is not something that comes in to transform or change anyone or anything.  It only is.  Love is a vibration, a frequency that does nothing but the 'being' of what it is.  It is in the 'being' that we feel the shift within ourselves and our worlds. 

 
LOVE IS...

Love and you are One

Love has no thoughts
In the present you have no thoughts
Love does not live in the past
In the present there is no past
Love does not try to change you
In the present there is no need to change

Love does not transform you

In the present there is no need to transform

Love just is

Love IS

LOVE DOES NOTHING

It does not seek

It does not fix

It does not take over

It does not transform

Love Just Is

Love IS

It does not do

It does not change

It does not think

It does nothing

Love Just Is

Love IS

Love is nothing

Love is everything

Love IS

Love Just IS

'IT' Is

'IT' Is

'IT' Is

You Are

You Are

You Are

I AM

I AM

I AM

LOVE

In Mother Love & Mother Light,

Jennifer

Diary of a Woman of Light - Blog 15 - Our Sea of Surrender

Dear Ones,

The energies that are upon us have always been there.  They have always been within us.  It is only that now we are living in a time where the energies coming into this Earth plane are propelling us, asking us, pushing us to go deeper into ourselves.  Into our being...into that which we already are. 

There has been much talk of the end of the world.  There has been much talk about new beginnings and the miracles occurring.  And then there have been those that have just been and are just unassumingly being in the presence of this energy. 

Please know...that this energy we speak of, that many have been speaking of, that we are feeling in so many different ways is nothing but energy.  It is how we interpret the energy that makes our experience.  Energy is nameless....it does not distinguish between right or wrong.   It is neither darkness or light...IT JUST IS.   We are the ones that mindfully name the awareness that it brings to us.   Anything we perceive as darkness is our perception.  Anything we perceive is light is our perception.  That which it arises within us is nothing but something that was already within us to begin with.   If it is not working for you it is your opportunity to either go deeper into the depths of its hold on you or to allow yourself to release it and be transformed.  Unfortunately, many of us believe the illusions to be so real that they see no other way but deeper into the depths of their darkened realities.  Their deeper and deeper darkening of their darkness is a calling for us to bring awareness to that darkness to which we all share and finally transform ourselves into higher and higher vibrations of light.  No, we can not control others.  Yes, we can only be ourselves.  It is through being our lightness that we give others permission to be theirs.  This is how we change; this is how we bring change into the world.

The energy is cyclical....there were times before in the history of Mother Earth where she was shifting, moving and changing rapidly as she is today.  We, in this lifetime, get to experience this shift in her now, thus experiencing and shifting within ourselves and vice versa. 

The energy is thus as a flowing river...the currents can be strong and unyielding to all that stand in its way.  The river can be so strong that it can inhibit your ability to swim against.  It can be so strong that attempting to swim to shore may be fruitless.  So, in our will to control, we attempt to swim against the current.  We grasp and reach for anything and everything that will save us.  We fear that if the current takes us that all that we have ever been taught will take our lives.  When we are in the midst of fighting for our lives we are keenly aware of our fears, our limits, and our doubts.  We anticipate the worst will happen.  We 'know' that if we can not 'do' something to save ourselves we will lose our lives.  Hence we strive to work against the current.  We fight with all our power.  We swim against the flow of the river.  We grasp onto anything we we can hold onto that feels familiar for fear that if we do not find something outside of ourselves to hold onto we will lose all control and thus loose our life.  We finally find that when we struggle for so long and attempt to swim so hard only focusing on all that we have ever known to be true we lose sight of the simple ness to it all.  We forget that the answers may have always been right there before us.  And yet we continue to struggle, we continue to fight until we can fight no more.  We bring ourselves to such exhaustion that we finally realize that our own efforts are limited and that the inevitable is beyond our control.  It is in this moment. That we finally come to our surrender.  We give up the fight.  We allow ourselves to let go.  And as we do...as we let go...we begin to feel something other than what we thought was always to be true.  We feel that in our surrender we begin to feel again what the river was always trying to tell us...we begin to feel...and in the feeling we begin to return to a knowing that we had forgotten long ago...

The river tells us so...the river speaks...

"Follow me, she says.  Allow me to carry you.  Allow me to carry you to where you will go.  Trust in me.  Trust and know.  You may do all things through me...for I Am the strength and the desires that you seek.  We are one my child...the flow of the mighty river is yours if you follow my source and allow me to lead the way."

We hear what she is 'feeling' to us.  As we feel, our bodies begin to feel too.  Our minds relax and our hearts return to its natural state.  We begin to like the way these waters feel all around us.   We begin to breathe, we begin to flow.  Instead of sinking to the bottom like we had always been taught...we finally feel ourselves float.  We come up onto the top of the waters and return to enjoying the ride.  We continue to come upon rocks, boulders, or branches that seemingly get in our way...but amazingly as we trust, the current shifts us around these things we fear most.  And then as we continue to trust and shift we begin to realize that we are not just one river but many rivers that come from around the globe.  We are all carried into the same destination.  We are all emptied into the one sea....the sea of Unity.  Once we look back, we can 'see' that if we had never surrendered we would have never been carried to the ocean.   Once we are here...in the peace and calm of these waters....it is here that we can finally swim. 

The energies of this time are meant to help us finally release all that was never ours in the first place.  They are neither of darkness or of light. 

 

When we finally surrender

We finally let go of all that we have ever known to be our truth

It is then that we begin to realize that all that we thought made us limitless

Were our own limits that kept us from knowing

How truly perfect We Already Are

 

In Mother Love & Mother Light,

Jennifer