On 5/31/15, I ran in the 13.1 mile half marathon for the
North Shore. The day began as an
ordinary race day filled with anxious anticipation. I did what I often do on early morning race
days. I sipped my favorite morning tea;
yerba mate, quickly got dressed with my running gear and head out the door at
5:30 am. Intuitively, I brought my laptop
with me. Despite how early it was, I
felt a desire to write burning within me and that something was ready to be
born onto pages.
What I wrote before the run…
I sit here in my car right now. Ready, listening to some tunes to help me
get ready for my run that I am about to do in an hour. Why am I writing at this time? Well, I actually have nothing else to do
right now except wait for start time.
Really… there is nothing for me to do…and I also made myself a promise
that I would use the energy of this run to finally dispel any left over energy
within my body that has been from my past.
It has been 2 weeks since my Dad was here visiting with my family. As you know, I have not seen him in 27 years. I write about his trip to our home
extensively in my book. In brief, it was
a blessing. It also brought up some
amazing things about myself that I had no idea I had inherited from my Dad and
also some very real insecurities were revealed to me that I had been hanging
onto since I was a little girl. When I
was writing this small blog just now I began writing that it had been “2 weeks
since my dad left”…I realized that I am still holding onto a piece of myself
that believes that my Dad left me again and will continue to not show up in my
life. So, instantaneously I decided to
delete that portion of my writing and start with “It has been two weeks since
my Dad visited our family”. Do you see
how this works? Words are amazing. They directly lead to our thoughts and the
patterns we carry and hence create over and over in our lives. Today, on my 13.1 mile run I plan to tune
into many of the things that no longer serve my purpose and continue to release
the layers that no longer serve my life.
I have many… don’t we all? Over
the years, I used running to ‘run away’ from my fears. To prove something to myself… whatever it was
that I needed to prove…’that I was worthy, that I could do something, that I
was good enough’…what ever it was, I ran away.
The last couple of years (since a house fire and many other significant
events), I have used running as the experience that it is for me…a repetitive
motion of breathing and movement that stimulates every energy center in your
body, brings up ‘crap’ that we all need to release, and allows us to release
and no longer hold it on anymore. Every
time I have an ache in my body while I run, I ask myself why and where this is
coming from, I receive the insight and then I give it up to the universe. I thank my body for telling me what I do not
need anymore and then I give it away. I
do not need to live that way anymore. I
do not need to live with aches and pains that are either emotional or
physical. Our bodies speak to us and
tell us what is wrong all the time. I
believe it is our job to tune into these clues and allow them to help us heal
ourselves. This is an opportunity for me
to cleanse myself over and over again.
13.1 miles of shear healing and bliss.
Today, I have some patterns of
the past, I have some issues that I am currently dealing with at home (don’t we
all?), and I just simply want to enjoy the ride. I am hydrated, peaceful and in the knowing
that all is well. I may not be fast, but
I am steady and strong. After all,
wasn’t it the tortoise who won the race in the end? Here I am, with many ‘hares’ ready to run…
welcoming myself home to the tortoise that I am.
End.
What I wrote after the race…
So what I ended up doing during this race was far more than
just running. It was a commitment within
me to exchange energy with the universe.
I decided that I would literally breathe out and run out every piece of
me that no longer lined up with who I was supposed to be. I am living in the light, fearlessly…most of
the time but then I trip and fall. I am trusting
and open to the abundance that is coming in but then ooops…I go into a tail
spin loose my balance and I’m on the floor again. Like all fearless warriors, I still get tripped
up, fall on my knees, and have false starts.
Periodically, I come to this point in my journey. Where I just feel stuck. I have the wind knocked out of my sails. It just feels like uck and yuck, for lack of
better words. This time, on this very
run I decided that I had the power to change it all. I would finally rise from all the things that
ever make me feel stuck and I would replace them with new thoughts, new ideas,
new visions, and new memories. After
all, we have the power to perceive life in any way we desire, despite our sub
conscious programming, beliefs that we took on from society or our individual
tribes, and natural tendency to cling to the familiar and safe. I decided that anything and everything that
would arise for me during this run would need to be released. We get rid of the old to make room for the
new. In essence, I dare to dream. I dare to step off of the old high rise
building that I have been stuck on for years, and I dare to allow the wings
that have been hiding underneath my scapula to spread and take me to
flight. I dare to fly! And you know
what? That is what I did.
Every step along my path was a step of release and healing. I saw people who looked like people that I
knew that I needed to make amends with.
At around mile 6 when I really began to get into the challenge of the
run I literally ran into one of my family members, someone who could be this
person’s twin. Impossible as it was for
them to be at this race I looked straight into the eyes of this person as she
handed me a cup of water to drink at one of the water stations. As we were face to face I could feel the
universe signaling in me that it was time to ask for forgiveness from this
person and it was time to accept who they are into my heart. I felt my eyes well up with tears and my
throat begin to clench tight. I knew
that this was just the energy trying to move out of my body. I just allowed it to come. I felt the tightness become tighter and clasp
my airways. I allowed the tightness to
continue to speak to me and tell me what I needed to hear. I was to be in full acceptance of this person
for who they are and what they have always been and I needed to forgive them
and myself forever wanting anything different.
I needed to ask for forgiveness from them now, energetically of
course. So, that is exactly what I
did. At this point I was far past the
water station and this person was at least 3 tenths of a mile away. This person was just a representation and a
signal to me of what I needed to do. I
prayed to myself while I ran. With every
thought and every prayer my throat began to loose its grip and the tightness
subsided. I could see better now and I
felt my energy return to normal again.
At this point of clearing I began to run downhill a steep downhill grade
of at least 10 percent. I saw the beach
and the waves coming to the shore through an opening at the bottom of the
hill. It reminded me of one of my
metaphors I often think of when I see waves on the shoreline. It is a reminder of life and how there will
always be waves coming at us. They will
always be there. Sometimes they will be
light and sometimes they will come crashing down. We can either stand in the middle of them
trying to keep our balance, we can fight against them and be knocked over time
and time again, or we can learn to ride them and see them for what they are, an
opportunity to master our joy of the experience rather than a gripping fear of
them coming crashing upon you. When I
finally came to the bottom of the hill near the waves of the shoreline the path
suddenly made a sharp right turn and we were running straight back up what we
had just ran down. It was a hill so steep
that bikers would have to walk up in order to make it to the top. I was determined. I decided that if I was going to walk there
would have to be sufficient reason why I could not physically handle the extra
demands on my body. My body would have
to be very clear why I could not do this.
What I found was that I was able to do this. I had the most energy I had ever had in a
very long time. I was able to get up
that hill without any difficulties more than extra hard breathing or a burning
strain in my calf and thighs from the steep slope. I continued to thank the universe for the extra
energy from all that I had just let go and for the new lightness that I felt
that seemed to carry me up and over the tough times. Come to think of it, my wings must have
spread in that moment. They must have
finally helped me to fly. As I continued
along the journey, I thought of the many times in my life where I wished I had
acted slightly different or I wished that things had turned out otherwise. I wondered to myself, what if I just replaced
these thoughts of unfulfilled dreams with knew thoughts filled with fulfillment? What if I just decided to fill in the blanks
with new thoughts that accepted what happened but gave me satisfaction at the
same time? What if I just wrote a new
story in my head? So that is what I
did. I dreamt up another story instead
of repeating the old tapes that were there.
I gave myself reasons to love what happened instead. I decided that this would be a fun way to
fulfill the unfulfilled desires and give me the choice to see life from a
different perspective all at the same time.
It continued to work… I felt myself having fun, I felt joy come in while
I ran, and I began smiling at every volunteer or course director I passed along
the way. I began to see the joy in
people, places and things. I began to
see. I did this for a long time and up until
I came to mile 9. Mile nine is when I
was intuitively told to stop trying to get rid of that which no longer serves
me and just open up and receive what has always been mine to begin with.
Wow. I felt it and I
saw it as clear as a neon road sign in a pitch black night sky. At that point, I knew exactly what to do
next. The fight that I had been creating
all this time was over. There was
nothing left to do or become. It was
time to just open up and receive. There
was nothing else to bring in. There was
nothing else to take out of me. All
there was, was just to be me. At that
point, when I came to this realization.
When I came to the knowing that it was time to merge with all there was
and all there is and all there ever will be it all came together for me. It was at this point that I turned to my left
and there he was (almost sounds like a cliché, LOL)…a 6 foot 5 inch runner
completely in the zone of his own being.
He was tight, muscular and just running steady and strong. There was nothing stopping this man and he
was completely within his own being. He
was still aware of his surroundings but unaffected by anything around him. He kept his focus forward and his body in the
same exact stride. He was exactly who he
was and nothing would sway him from his path.
He knew where he began and where he ended. He was that exact. This is when I knew that it was time to just
receive. It was time to run to the beat
of my own drummer. And that is what I
did. From mile 9 onward I tuned in and
allowed. My pace changed and my entire
ego driven run turned into a reception. I received, I allowed, I merged, and
the light came through. My entire run
was unaffected by anything else around me.
I still came upon images and reminders of the past and what
could have been but they were quickly replaced with new stories. For instance, at mile 10, I saw my ‘Dad’
standing on a corner with two young girls around the age of 7 or 8 years. I thought that could have been my Dad being a
grandpa when my kids were younger. I
longed for having that kind of Dad. I
longed for the type that would be there for his grandchildren. Then I allowed those feelings to go through
me, I didn’t block them and allow them to fester. They just passed through. Then the new memories came in. I thought of all the ways my Dad could be
there and would be there if he was there.
I replaced the memories of longing for what could have been with what
was. I replaced a longing with what
is. I can believe my Dad has been there
all along and that my children have received everything they have always needed
from grandfather. It is simple that
simple. There is no longing; there is
just an acceptance, and a knowing that anything is possible. The ideas passed through me and cleaned and
cleared. I was just a channel. There was no need to hold onto anything that
entered my thoughts. It all just passed
through. At mile 11, I saw my husband
cheering me on, and felt a new affection for him come over me. One that is unlike anything of the past. This was a love that had no attachments to
anything. It was what it was, it is what
it is, just a love for the now. Mile 12
and mile 13 were more of the same. I
finished the half marathon stronger than ever before and ended up taking 20
minutes off of my previous time of 4 years ago.
The day would move onto and shift into more revelations and
understandings. I would feel tightness in
my back or a headache coming on. Usually
out of the belief that I needed to stretch or be rehydrated. All true, but I also tuned into the ideas
that I can be extremely inflexible in many ways at times and that being too
mental or hard headed is a pattern that I have and is well defined in my
family. After acceptance of this my back
began to release and my headache became lighter and lighter and eventually drifted
away. Before I knew it, the rest of my
day was just flowing with ease. I was
able to grab some coffee with my husband, come home and do some work around the
house, take a nap, and lead a class that same evening. The run continued to teach me through out the
day and I continued to feel its bliss. I
could finally run to the beat of my own drummer. And that beat carried me lighter and faster
than ever before. The beat of my drummer
may be a ‘hare’ after all.
