Carry On

Hi Barbara,

I have been thinking over my decision to withdrawl from the marathon….and I have to say…this is not the right decision for me.  It’s been a little over 2 months after our house fire and things are beginning to turn around.   At the time it was very difficult to see any light at the end of our tunnel.  This is changing.  Although, we will not get back into our house until Thanksgiving time or possibly even Christmas I am feeling the call to RUN!!!  If I let go of doing the Marathon I feel it will just be one more thing that has failed in my life.  For this reason….I will Carry On!  So, please disregard my request to withdrawl. 

Thank you for all of your attention and willingness to help me out.

In true appreciation,

Jennifer

I wrote this today...this very morning.  As it seems, as it is...I am doing the marathon.  I have not trained.  I am flabbier around my midsection than ever before.  My legs are weak and my heart is heavy.  I am being real.  But something has changed in me...I am beginning to see the light at the end of our tunnel.  We will not get back into our house until Thanksgiving or possibly even Christmas.  I tend to think...it will be Christmas time.  That way if it is Thanksgiving then I will be excited and elated!  But here is the difference folks...I am healing...I am finally getting rid of all the crap that has ever kept me from being and doing whatever I have ever wanted to do in my life.  You know what I am talking about...those skeletons in the closet that have always kept us from living our best life.  Well, not me, no more...I am going to let them all finally go...and doing this Marathon will be the ultimate birthing into my new life!  As well, as when we finally get to step back into that house that was ripped away from us in one crazy night.  That night was one of the most bitter sweet nights of my entire life...that night and the night that my first child, Ethan, was born.  Ironically, both events occurred on the same evening except they were 12 years apart.  How can that be...how crazy can that be?  Incredibly crazy. 
The healing that I am doing is a part of everything that I have disguised the past 12 years.  The healing that I am doing will take down all the illusions I have created that have ever kept me from seeing my true light.  The healing I am doing will finally get rid of all the pain that I never looked at and shoved under the covers hoping that these were all illusions that I could just overcome.  But guess what folks...they don't just go way...they live under there...they continue to fester until one day YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!  Well, that was me...this house fire was the pivotol moment where I couldn't take it anymore.  Not all at once...no...this has brewing for a long time....like a fine wine that site and gets more intense with flavor...the intensity was so incredibly robust that it could no longer be ignored....this is my journey folks.  This is how running has saved my life.  If I don't run the marathon, then I have failed at everything in my life.  If I do run the marathon then I have the chance to heal every part of me in every moment.  You see...running for me is a meditation.  It is a physical representation of peace.  Running stirs up everything inside of me and gets it out into the open where I can feel and sense life, true life, and true living.  Running is the diamond in the rough.  When I have something going on...all I have to do is go out for a run and work through the pain.  It is the breathing, the repetitive motion, the calm, the clearing that helps me become all that I have wanted to be.  Yes, I know that we already are everything that we have ever wanted to be in this very moment...but come on...there is more to it than that...we need each other people!!!!  We need each other!!!  We need to be open and honest that life is more than a doing...it is a being...and yes I am already healed...but my ego needs to be trained...and running is my path to enlightenment.  It is my Buddhist journey down the knowingness path that all is and has ever already been in this very moment, right now.  When I run...I am in the moment...when I run...I AM!   I slip on my shoes and go out there to train.  I am training for more than a one time event.  I am training for a lifetime of healing...hmmm...possibly many lifetimes of healing....but lets see...lets see what comes out during my training, during my grueling pain, and feelings of "I can't do it" or "I can do it" or anything else that will come to the surface as I heal.  It will.  This is what running does for me.  This is what training does for me.  Its meditation in motion.  Its healing in motion.  I can't hide from the pain any longer.  It is real. It wants me to face it, confront it, be with it, and make peace with it.  This I am... this is what I am doing.  You are my witness...as I CARRY ON!!!
Today, I stepped out on the pavement for the first time in months with the intention of deciding.  I was deciding on whether or not I will be doing the Chicago Marathon.  Actually, I had been "deciding" for months now.  Like the crazy weather we have had these past couple of months.  One day it is 50 degrees the next day it is 80 degrees.  One week it is pouring rain for days on end you would think that we need to build an Ark...the next week it is drying up.  My thoughts surrounding this marathon have been going back and forth over and over again.  One day I am ready to conquer the world and the next day all I want to do is hide under a rock and NEVER come out again. I had been so insecure these past couple of months since losing our home that I could not decide on anything much less on running 26.2 miles all in one afternoon! Today, was slightly different.  I was determined to decide.  I had to make a decision.  This marathon is only 18 weeks away.  I should be up to running at least 17 miles a week.  I am lucky if I have been running 6.  I should be working on strengthening training and stretching at least 3 times a week.  I have been lucky if I have stretched or strengthened once.  I should be consciously eating fruits and vegetables and lean proteins.  I'm lucky if I get in a juice drink from the local health food store.  So, I have a lot to work on in a short amount of time.  But, its all how you look at it.  Its all how we put our lives into perspective.  So, here I go...making the changes and charting my progress all in front of you.  Why not?  I've got nothing to loose....literally. 
2 months ago my heart was ripped out of me in one crazy night.  2 months ago I had no idea my life would change in ways that still do not seem clear.  But I know that this is part of the process.  Part of my healing process that I am finally facing.  Today, as I ran and put one foot in front of the other.  I felt inspired.  I didn't feel like I was going to conquer the world.  I mean...I used to run 9 minute miles...now I'm doing 13 minute miles. I just felt like if I was going to do the marathon...finishing in whatever manner I finished was the important thing.  That my journey is no longer about having the best time or the best outcome...that I am 'good enough' that I am 'worthy'...there it is people...there is the golden nugget!  There is the piece of healing that will bring me final peace!  There it is...there are the words that have made all the difference in my life... "I am worthy'.  They are the words that have been haunting me my entire life...I finally see that 'I AM WORTHY'.  You would not understand this unless you have walked in my shoes experienced what I have experienced and been through what I have been through.  I learned this as an infant...I learned and took in that 'I am not worthy' from a very young child and have carried this my entire life like a load of bricks that I have been lugging around and have never put down...I have carried this...and now I have finally released my worthiness issue and come into the knowing that "I AM WORTHY!'   I am, I am, I am...I AM WORTHY!
This insight...made my run lighter....it made me feel that I can do it, that I can finally release what has been holding me down all these years and be the best of whatever it is I choose to be.  I can finally be.  This came to me not only in my run but in the days leading up to this morning's run.  I have been asking the universe to show me, to help me heal, and to direct my life.  Opportunities had been showing up all week long and now, this morning, when I decided to go for my run....they came full circle into this one pivotal moment...I AM WORTHY....I AM WORTHY to CARRY ON....and I AM. 
We all have our individual lives...we all have our individual life lessons to learn.  One of my big ones was worthiness.  I am worthy of being on this planet.  I am worthy of doing anything that the next person can do.  I am worthy of being me.  For years I have struggled with putting others lives before my own.  With always feeling and deciding that I am not worth the effort.  Today, and the days leading up to today...I have changed.  I have finally said goodbye to all that has ever held me back.  Like the flames that burnt my house down it burns these feeling that I have been holding in my heart for a lifetime.  The flames are about burning away what no longer is needed anymore.  The flames are of healing.  This house that burned down was more than a house that was burning away.  It has been a metaphor for my life.  It is no coincidence that our house burnt down the very day my son was born 12 years later....both very significant events in my life.  When Ethan was born it was a call to healing the past 28 years of my life....and now it is a call to healing not only the past 28 years but the past 12 years of everything that I have never looked at in my life and pushed underneath the covers like a bad infestation of bed bugs that would not go away.  Now I strip the sheets, throw out the mattress cause its all going up in flames anyway...literally.  I chuckle to myself...
Worthiness is an issue for us all.  For me....I took it in and harbored it within my body every time I cried as a child and there was no one there to hold me.  I took it in every time I was yelled at by my parents or someone forgot to come pick me up at school.  Every time I had a bad test grade or didn't make the softball varsity team or fumbled during cheerleading try outs.  Every time one of my friends I thought was my friend put me down.  Every time my Dad came home drunk and beat the crap out of my mom and brother and I could not save them.  Every time I did something I thought was a good thing and was yelled at by my Uncle for being 'stupid'.  Every time I ever did a nasty thing in my life that I thought was good but turned out bad.... I learned that I was not worthy of anything.   And NOW I RELEASE YOU TO THE UNIVERSE AND FINALLY SEE THAT "I AM WORTHY"!!! 
Chicago Marathon...watch out...cause her I come... I 'Carry On'...release the generations of women of unworthiness in my life and their lives and their lifetimes to forever be healed and burned in the fire.  Cause the ashes will be cleaned up and we will start anew again...here we come world...it is time for a new generation of worthy people ready to face life...
I cant wait to see what else I will heal on this 18 week journey...    
To be continued...

P.S.  'Carry On' is a song by the band Fun.   It is a tribute and inspirational song that has kept me going these past several months...here are the words...
 

"Carry On"
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said,
"We are not,
We are not shining stars"
This I know,
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Whoa
My head is on fire but my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door, hold the phone
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us tonight

'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Oooh.
Oooh
Oooh
Oooh

(No one's ever gonna stop us tonight)
(No one's ever, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop us tonight)
(No one's ever, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop us tonight)

One Crazy Night

It has been 2 months since I receive that crazy phone call in the middle of the night. I will never forget the panic coming from the voice on the other line… yelling in my ear… “Jen! Your house is on fire! Oh my God! Jen, where are your animals!? The fire department wants to know, Jen!” I remember this as if it were yesterday. It has only been two months. Our lives have changed drastically from that one crazy night. In a brief moment…we went from a family that was temporarily staying in a hotel room for a sled hockey tournament….to a family that was now homeless. We went from a calm and restful night of sleeping together, to a family that was filled with fear about what had just occurred and what would be coming. But what could we do in that moment? What could we do? Except wait and be. Become. Be in the moment. Be with our fears. Be with our doubts. Be with our internal clocks that wanted to rush home and save our lives. There was nothing we could do but sit there and wait for the phone calls from friends and neighbors that would be filling us in on what was going on with our house. They would fill us in on the graphic details…that the small animals that filled our house with chirps in the air from my son’s two birds, the sounds of bubbly water from our daughter’s fish, and the quite warmth of my son’s gecko, would no longer be around. We waited to hear if our dog, cat, and turtle would make it. We waited. Relief came over us when we learned that they were all safe.

But our lives were forever altered. Forever changed in ways that no one could fathom unless you have walked in this experience. For all beings take disaster in different ways and process life in their own perceptions. For us…our perception has always been to take what life throws at you…to catch it…and throw it right back. Some of us may drop the ball from time to time…but overall…it’s about picking it up again…and trying over and over again until one day you throw that ball back and it never returns.

This is my journey through it all...through the last 2 months…through a life time of healing that came to me on that One Crazy Night. I will speak of times and perceptions of myself that have clouded my ability to see the light and know that the darkness was just my illusion that I created…most of my life. In this writing there is healing…not only for me…but for my family…and those that this will extend to. I will speak of the healing that has been happening between my children, between myself and my children, and the healing that has come over me that has directly changed my relationship with my husband. Oh, there is much to say, much to do, and much to share. All about that One Crazy Night…

I was armed that night.  I was armed with an army of angels that stayed by me all night long.  I could feel them all around me.  I knew that they were trying to assure me that this was divinely orchestrated for our life.  That everything was exactly as it should be.  As I panicked inside, I showed only that of a calm demeanor to my children.  As I spoke to them and assured to them that all would be ok and that they had nothing to worry about.  My insides shook with fear.  As I spoke of our lives and how having each other is all that we needed….I wrestled with the thought that all of our stuff would be gone.  As I hugged and consoled and spoke of their pets being ok.  I knew in my heart that they were not.  It was a night full of extremes.  Full of heart ache.  Full of heart wrenching turmoil.  Full of despair and at the same time, peace. 

Andy, my husband, quickly found a way to get an early flight back to Illinois.  We received the phone call that changed our lives at 1:30am and by 4am he was on his way to the airport.  He had just flown into Philadelphia only 14 hours earlier to meet up with his family for my son’s sled hockey national tournament games.  I held myself together as he left the hotel room.  I told myself inside to keep it together.  This was not the first time I had experienced a tragedy.  Actually, I have grown a custom to the unusual.  My life has been far from typical.  Still, I felt insecure and downright afraid.  But I told myself that feeling these emotions could wait.  I had to hold it together.  I had to get through the weekend.  I had to be there for Ethan and my other two children.  This was Ethan’s weekend.  It was his turn to shine. We were in Philadelphia for his Sled Hockey’s team National Championship games.  His 12^th birthday was the very next day.  We were exactly where we were supposed to be.  We were in one of the most inspirational places that anyone could be.  I was the lucky one who stayed behind with the kids.  I worried about Andy.  I worried that he would be ok.  I worried about what he would be facing.  I worried that there would be nothing left. 

As I shut the door of the hotel room….and stood there wondering what to do now that he is gone…I turned towards my kids who had fallen back asleep.  I watched them lying there so peacefully.  How could they be sleeping right now?  How is it that they are able to lie there undisturbed after hearing that our house had just burned?  And then I recalled my sweet assurances to them…. I had been assuring them all along that everything would be ok….that all is well…that there was nothing to fear…that they should go back to dreaming because all would be taken care of.  There was nothing left for me to do either… so I laid down in the bed next to my daughter who drifted away in her dreams.

I laid there wondering and praying, asking for guidance, asking to be shown.  I laid there surrounded in hues of purple.  Purple energy came over my body in encasements of love and honor and beauty.  These colors are not ordinary colors.  I see them often in healing sessions.  Now, it was my own healing that was being orchestrated from above.  The energy took over the room.  It wrapped around the room like a tidal wave of purplish hues that took no mercy upon fear.  It loved it to death….

The hughes of healing draped over me for the rest of the early morning hours until sunrise.  I knew in these moments that this was perfectly orchestrated that this fire was a metaphor for how our lives would be changed forever.  I felt reassured.  I felt peace.  I didn’t want to leave my bed.  But as the sun began creeping from behind the hotel room blinds…I knew that it was time to part ways.  I asked them to hang out and surround us constantly….this is what they did…

 

Listen to the Darkness & Feed Your Light Body

Today, I sit in front of a blazing light that projects warmth and goodness through my entire body.  It is called, "Light Therapy".  Meant to imitate the sun's rays that we get unlimited amounts of in the summer time.  It is one of the steps I have taken to nourish my Spirit's need for light in the winter time.  I have a natural tendency to gravitate towards light.  This is why I love the summer time and feel ultimately full of life during this time of year.  Going into the fall, I begin to feel the effects of the coming cold weather and shorter days but they do not predominate in my life.   As the days become shorter and shorter and the darkness becomes more and more apparent I begin to shift into a slower mode that craves more sleep, less activity, and more comfort foods.  I slip into a darkness that is difficult to see when you are in it and even more difficult to transcend when the darkness that I feel seems so real.   So, when I wrote the last blog...."Winter Sucks", I had come to the point of  'having enough' of the winter blues and ready to turn my temper tantrums into productive action.  You see, it is ego that just wants to feel 'sorry' for itself for a little while and then it is time to act.  I allowed my sorrow filled moments to 'be', allowed myself to go into that space of darkness and feel.  Knowing that as I embrace the darkness I will emerge with lightness.  So,  I took action.  I braved the cold that day.  I was determined to evolve.  I put on my boots and heavy winter coat that covers me from head to toe.  I used my energy in a positive direction to make change.  I was ready.  Fear was my friend...finally.  Together we embraced the winter and found ways in the coming days and weeks ahead to make beneficial changes.  These changes came to me naturally because of my faith and belief that they would.  I payed more attention to my diet with the knowing that if I am a being who craves light I must bring in more light filled nourishing foods and water into my body that will satisfy my cravings for light.  I put down the extra carbs and dencer foods and picked up more of the fresh raw vegetables and fruits I love to eat in the summer time.  I payed attention to using the colors of the rainbow to feed all of my chakras.  Red radishes, apples, tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries & red peppers fed my root chakra. Orange carrots, oranges, butternut squash and pumpkin nourished my second chakra.  Yellow squash, spaghetti squash, pears & lemons opened my power chakra. Green kale, leafy greens, cilantro, parsley, and cucumbers fed my heart.  Blueberries, eggplant, dates, figs, cleared my throat and third eye.  Fresh mineral rich water fed my spirit, my crown chakra.  I connected and prayed knowing that I would continue to be guided to what I needed more of and less of in my life, nutritionally and in my relationships.  I took salt baths to pull out the negative energy I was feeling in my body and had unconsciously collected from others.  I distanced myself from the relationships that fed my darker side and brought back in more of the light filled heart centered people that fill me up.   I went to places that resonate with light vibration and did activities that brought in more light.  I also just 'happened' to have a scheduled appointment with my wholistic osteopathic doctor a week later who also had some wonderful input as to how I could improve my low energy and seasonal affective  disorder type behaviors.  I implemented all of these suggestions along with what I had already been doing and immediately began to feel like my light filled summer self again.  I am incredibly thankful for these experience.  They have taught me well.  They have given me the tools I need to continue to help myself and raise my vibration.  I share all of this with you in hopes that more will see how important it is to take care of our spirit and our bodies that are light filled and vibrant.  The more we can fill our "Light Bodies" with light and high vibrations the better we will feel and the more positive about life we become.  We are Light Bodies needing to be filled in all aspects of our being.  I encourage you to feel all types of energy around you and how these different energies affect your being.  It is when we can tune into this awareness and allow it to teach us that we can make the changes necessary to fill our lightness.  Our spirit will guide and direct us to the high vibrations and frequencies we need.  We only need to be ready to listen.  From the foods we eat, to the environment we live in , to the thoughts we think, to the faith that we hold deep within our hearts....we are always evolving, transcending, moving closer to our oneness.  Charge on my friends and know only good will come.  Feed your Light Body.  Feed it well.  It is your connection to the Oneness you are seeking.  The lightness...the openness...the beingness that resonates from within.

Namaste
Jennifer

Winter Sucks! My Perception about this time of year...

This morning I woke up with a terrible feeling in my body.  It was the feeling I always get this time of year...that feeling of the winter blahs.   This is the time of year where I just want to go south and never return to the cold again.  I have a hard time with winter.  The cold seeps into my bones creating an ever present chill that makes me want to pull the bed covers over my head and go for a hibernating sleep that will not wake me until spring time.  I find it difficult to want to do anything.  The usual chores that I need to get done around the house are even a real pain in the butt because it is cold and snowy outside.  So...I usually do all the things that sends me into a more depressed state...I eat more, I sleep more, and I do less...thus creating an ever present spiral into a downward shift.  It's a beautiful pattern that I have during the winter time.   I always learn more about myself in these days of darkness than ever before.  There is something about living in the darkness for awhile that teaches you more about life than just living in the light.  Yes, it is wonderful to be light filled and I encourage everyone to be filled with light but there are times when it is necessary to feel the darkness so that we can burn that much brighter.  So, what did I do this morning when I awoke into my miserable state of hating winter?   I forced myself to get up...because I had to...I had Mom responsibilities needing attention.   Thank goodness for my kids...or I'd never get up (-;   I forced myself down the stairs to make my tea and sit sipping caffeine trying to wake myself up for 20 minutes before the day began.   Finally, when I felt the wakefulness that I search for on mornings like these I pushed myself to get up and start the day.  After the morning ritual of helping my kids get ready for school I decided that I had to embrace my perceived hatefulness towards winter.  If I didn't begin to change my thoughts about this time of year I would continue to make myself miserable.  So, I decided to embrace it fully...I put on my boots, my long winter jacket that covers me from head to ankles, gloves, and hat and went out into the miserable snow!  I went for a power walk to get rid of my frustrations about winter and to embrace this time of year fully.   I schlepped through the 2inch packed down snow on sidewalks, the slippery slush and ice, and the wind that hit my cheeks every couple of feet.  I plugged my ears with headphones and listened to my favorite tunes.  I breathed deeply and forcefully into the present moment as I stomped my feet and walked determined around the town.  I was on a mission and nothing was going to get in my way.  Nothing did.  I breathed, I walked, I furiously took on the winter blues and blahs and told them to go you know where.  I had it with feeling sorry for myself and found a way to turn my sour apples into apple pie.  And you know what happened?    I actually began to smile to myself half way through my temper tantrum walk.   I began to feel this lightness creep into my body.   I began to enjoy myself.  Then, suddenly, I  felt this undeniable urge to lie down in the blank open field of snow along my path and be a kid again.  I saw a fresh open patch of snow that was just calling for me to make a snow angel.  That is exactly what I did....I laid down on top of the white blanket and made my mark.  As I was doing it I hoped that someone would see me too and that it would bring a smile to their face just as it was bringing a sense of joy to mine.  I laid there and not only enjoyed the feeling of powder under my body but was able to take in a crisp blue sea filled sky above me. I was transformed.  I arose from my snow angel with a new sense of embrace for where I was and what I was feeling.  I emerged from my cocoon with wonder and deep gratitude for this time of year I so often despised.  I even elongated my walk and turned it into a time that I will savor and hope to do again in the next week.  All I can say is...my perceptions changed when I decided to go bravely into my fears and do what I hate most.  And you know what? I'd do it all over again.

Peace to you my friends...and may you charge bravely into your fears with the knowing that something delightful may come from having a temper tantrum every now and then.  

Come on...JUST DO IT...What are you waiting for?

I sit here in my kitchen....writing this blog. Why?  Because I know that there are about a million people out there who have probably walked the very same path I am walking but haven't shared it with anyone.  So, what am I doing every time I get out here in this web world?  I'm shining my light so that you shine yours!  That doesn't mean that only good happens to me, oh no...I have some pretty rough times but its how I perceive the rough edges that makes it good or bad or even that I am able to judge it at all.  You see, we all have these great aspects of ourselves where certain things are a bit easier for us than others.  These things just happen to come naturally.  You know...like being an organized person, or being able to connect with kids, or being able to know how to market something, etc. etc. etc.  You know what you are good at and not so good at.  Me?  I like to write.  But, as you may be able to tell, I have not had a whole lot of training in this aspect in my life.  That doesn't stop me...I just love to do it...so I do it.  I like to sing too...and my kids laugh at me every time I do because they hear how out of tune I am.  The point is, if you like to do something then JUST DO IT.  Don't let anyone tell you that it needs to be done like this or like that or it's not acceptable.  Rather, do it your way and fulfill that burning desire within you that wants to JUST DO IT.  I understand your hesitation...but most of the time no one cares anyway and no one is really watching you...they are too busy worrying about what they are doing to care about your thoughts and reasons why you are not doing what you want to do.  So, instead of worrying about what everyone is thinking just go out and do whatever it is your spirit has been wanting you to do!  I am... Why aren't you?
And one more idea on this topic...most of the time we don't do what we really want to do is because we think of all the reasons why we should be doing something else that is more important first.  Why?  Ego...and we also still have those silly old tapes playing in our heads from when we were kids and everyone always telling us how to do something the 'RIGHT' way.  It's like we have this little guy on our shoulder pointing the finger at us going, "You can't do that right now."   I'll tell you what...lets both go and tell that guy to "Shut up and shov' it!"  "I'm living my life, not yours, little man!"  And when we do this together we both help each other break these patterns that no longer serve us and shine a lot BRIGHTER.  What do you think?  Go ahead and give it a try, what do you have to lose anyway?  JUST DO IT!

Diary of a Woman of Light - Blog 17 - Make Fear Your Friend

Friends...

I send you light, pure light...uninhibited light...burning bright, to open your heart and the feel its perfection that already exists. It is.

Know your course of greatness.

I send you love, pure love, pure uninhibited love pouring down from the heavens over the cells of your body....filling each nucleus with patterns of love, pure love.

It is in your love for self, when you transform the world, your world.

With each step you take upon your journey, I encourage you to bring in more of what you are...to embrace all of you.  Embrace your lightness and your darkness.

I encourage you to make fear your friend.   Within your fears...all of them...there is a conquest in becoming...these fears are just lessons...they are just practice....and with each practice you become better and better at taming the gorilla that lives within you.  Love the gorilla, learn to hear its call, and intuitively tune into her messages.   Sometimes she is loving and sometimes she is fearful.  There is no right or wrong...there just is. Learn to speak her language and allow her to rest into the arms of your loving soul, spirit.  Remember that practice brings you closer to your brightness, awareness brings you closer to your truth, embracing your fears brings you closer to making her your friend.  When you are friends you can be there for each other....hold each other...and calm her doubts...and help her see that you know that she is all that you have ever wanted her to be, already.....al ready....you are all ready.  Ready to transform and be your divine light.  Take hold and know that this is your truth. 

 

With this I pray...

Love wipes away all doubts, all fears...it wipes and clears away all the illusions of pain and suffering. It speaks to us, and tells us that there is no cross to bear, the cross is/was meant to transcend our harboring into that of elation and love for self.  Speak with these words...do not be afraid of your greatness.  It is not that we are ever afraid of failing...it is not our fears of failure that hold us back from becoming...it is our fear of how bright we can become!  We have the potential...we have the seeds of greatness...if you just believe that you will grow....then tend to your garden.  Imagine the possibilities, it is not that anything could ever go wrong...it has never been about that...it is the fear for the potential for everything to go right!

 

Then what would your ego mind do?  What would she have to do with her life?  If she no longer has to be in misery, doubt, or fear...there would be nothing left for her to do but fly!  FLY my friend, fly my sister, fly my friend!!! Spread your wings, trust, and fly!  How high would you go?

How high would you go if you had nothing left 'to do' on your 'to do' list?  If there was no more treachery, fears, or sadness....what would you 'do' then?  This is very important....this is SO IMPORTANT!!!!  Hear this now...hear the call...it was never about the doing....it was never about the doing...ever.  It is always about the BEING that matters.  The idea is TO BE!  It is the great "I AM"!   It is the knowing, even when you don't know, that "I AM ALREADY EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DREAMED MYSELF TO BE!"  I am already everything I have ever wanted to become or have ever wanted someone else to become...they are already! IT IS IN THIS GREAT 'I AM' OF WHAT WE ALREADY ARE that we have nothing else 'to do' and we can finally be at peace from within. We can finally rest in the moment and know that all is finally well.  It is then that we have arrived.  We still 'do' our humanly things and get 'done' throughout our days but now our moments are far more enjoyable than they have ever been before.  There is now presence in the moments that is full of presents.  We find gifts of joy, hope, and uninhibited living in the moments when we can 'be' present in the present.  This is when we know we have finally made fear our friend....this is when we finally understand all of her lessons up until now...."YOU ARE ENOUGH".

You are

You are

You are

I Am

I Am

I Am

 

Mother light & mother love,

Amen