Carry On

Hi Barbara,

I have been thinking over my decision to withdrawl from the marathon….and I have to say…this is not the right decision for me.  It’s been a little over 2 months after our house fire and things are beginning to turn around.   At the time it was very difficult to see any light at the end of our tunnel.  This is changing.  Although, we will not get back into our house until Thanksgiving time or possibly even Christmas I am feeling the call to RUN!!!  If I let go of doing the Marathon I feel it will just be one more thing that has failed in my life.  For this reason….I will Carry On!  So, please disregard my request to withdrawl. 

Thank you for all of your attention and willingness to help me out.

In true appreciation,

Jennifer

I wrote this today...this very morning.  As it seems, as it is...I am doing the marathon.  I have not trained.  I am flabbier around my midsection than ever before.  My legs are weak and my heart is heavy.  I am being real.  But something has changed in me...I am beginning to see the light at the end of our tunnel.  We will not get back into our house until Thanksgiving or possibly even Christmas.  I tend to think...it will be Christmas time.  That way if it is Thanksgiving then I will be excited and elated!  But here is the difference folks...I am healing...I am finally getting rid of all the crap that has ever kept me from being and doing whatever I have ever wanted to do in my life.  You know what I am talking about...those skeletons in the closet that have always kept us from living our best life.  Well, not me, no more...I am going to let them all finally go...and doing this Marathon will be the ultimate birthing into my new life!  As well, as when we finally get to step back into that house that was ripped away from us in one crazy night.  That night was one of the most bitter sweet nights of my entire life...that night and the night that my first child, Ethan, was born.  Ironically, both events occurred on the same evening except they were 12 years apart.  How can that be...how crazy can that be?  Incredibly crazy. 
The healing that I am doing is a part of everything that I have disguised the past 12 years.  The healing that I am doing will take down all the illusions I have created that have ever kept me from seeing my true light.  The healing I am doing will finally get rid of all the pain that I never looked at and shoved under the covers hoping that these were all illusions that I could just overcome.  But guess what folks...they don't just go way...they live under there...they continue to fester until one day YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!  Well, that was me...this house fire was the pivotol moment where I couldn't take it anymore.  Not all at once...no...this has brewing for a long time....like a fine wine that site and gets more intense with flavor...the intensity was so incredibly robust that it could no longer be ignored....this is my journey folks.  This is how running has saved my life.  If I don't run the marathon, then I have failed at everything in my life.  If I do run the marathon then I have the chance to heal every part of me in every moment.  You see...running for me is a meditation.  It is a physical representation of peace.  Running stirs up everything inside of me and gets it out into the open where I can feel and sense life, true life, and true living.  Running is the diamond in the rough.  When I have something going on...all I have to do is go out for a run and work through the pain.  It is the breathing, the repetitive motion, the calm, the clearing that helps me become all that I have wanted to be.  Yes, I know that we already are everything that we have ever wanted to be in this very moment...but come on...there is more to it than that...we need each other people!!!!  We need each other!!!  We need to be open and honest that life is more than a doing...it is a being...and yes I am already healed...but my ego needs to be trained...and running is my path to enlightenment.  It is my Buddhist journey down the knowingness path that all is and has ever already been in this very moment, right now.  When I run...I am in the moment...when I run...I AM!   I slip on my shoes and go out there to train.  I am training for more than a one time event.  I am training for a lifetime of healing...hmmm...possibly many lifetimes of healing....but lets see...lets see what comes out during my training, during my grueling pain, and feelings of "I can't do it" or "I can do it" or anything else that will come to the surface as I heal.  It will.  This is what running does for me.  This is what training does for me.  Its meditation in motion.  Its healing in motion.  I can't hide from the pain any longer.  It is real. It wants me to face it, confront it, be with it, and make peace with it.  This I am... this is what I am doing.  You are my witness...as I CARRY ON!!!
Today, I stepped out on the pavement for the first time in months with the intention of deciding.  I was deciding on whether or not I will be doing the Chicago Marathon.  Actually, I had been "deciding" for months now.  Like the crazy weather we have had these past couple of months.  One day it is 50 degrees the next day it is 80 degrees.  One week it is pouring rain for days on end you would think that we need to build an Ark...the next week it is drying up.  My thoughts surrounding this marathon have been going back and forth over and over again.  One day I am ready to conquer the world and the next day all I want to do is hide under a rock and NEVER come out again. I had been so insecure these past couple of months since losing our home that I could not decide on anything much less on running 26.2 miles all in one afternoon! Today, was slightly different.  I was determined to decide.  I had to make a decision.  This marathon is only 18 weeks away.  I should be up to running at least 17 miles a week.  I am lucky if I have been running 6.  I should be working on strengthening training and stretching at least 3 times a week.  I have been lucky if I have stretched or strengthened once.  I should be consciously eating fruits and vegetables and lean proteins.  I'm lucky if I get in a juice drink from the local health food store.  So, I have a lot to work on in a short amount of time.  But, its all how you look at it.  Its all how we put our lives into perspective.  So, here I go...making the changes and charting my progress all in front of you.  Why not?  I've got nothing to loose....literally. 
2 months ago my heart was ripped out of me in one crazy night.  2 months ago I had no idea my life would change in ways that still do not seem clear.  But I know that this is part of the process.  Part of my healing process that I am finally facing.  Today, as I ran and put one foot in front of the other.  I felt inspired.  I didn't feel like I was going to conquer the world.  I mean...I used to run 9 minute miles...now I'm doing 13 minute miles. I just felt like if I was going to do the marathon...finishing in whatever manner I finished was the important thing.  That my journey is no longer about having the best time or the best outcome...that I am 'good enough' that I am 'worthy'...there it is people...there is the golden nugget!  There is the piece of healing that will bring me final peace!  There it is...there are the words that have made all the difference in my life... "I am worthy'.  They are the words that have been haunting me my entire life...I finally see that 'I AM WORTHY'.  You would not understand this unless you have walked in my shoes experienced what I have experienced and been through what I have been through.  I learned this as an infant...I learned and took in that 'I am not worthy' from a very young child and have carried this my entire life like a load of bricks that I have been lugging around and have never put down...I have carried this...and now I have finally released my worthiness issue and come into the knowing that "I AM WORTHY!'   I am, I am, I am...I AM WORTHY!
This insight...made my run lighter....it made me feel that I can do it, that I can finally release what has been holding me down all these years and be the best of whatever it is I choose to be.  I can finally be.  This came to me not only in my run but in the days leading up to this morning's run.  I have been asking the universe to show me, to help me heal, and to direct my life.  Opportunities had been showing up all week long and now, this morning, when I decided to go for my run....they came full circle into this one pivotal moment...I AM WORTHY....I AM WORTHY to CARRY ON....and I AM. 
We all have our individual lives...we all have our individual life lessons to learn.  One of my big ones was worthiness.  I am worthy of being on this planet.  I am worthy of doing anything that the next person can do.  I am worthy of being me.  For years I have struggled with putting others lives before my own.  With always feeling and deciding that I am not worth the effort.  Today, and the days leading up to today...I have changed.  I have finally said goodbye to all that has ever held me back.  Like the flames that burnt my house down it burns these feeling that I have been holding in my heart for a lifetime.  The flames are about burning away what no longer is needed anymore.  The flames are of healing.  This house that burned down was more than a house that was burning away.  It has been a metaphor for my life.  It is no coincidence that our house burnt down the very day my son was born 12 years later....both very significant events in my life.  When Ethan was born it was a call to healing the past 28 years of my life....and now it is a call to healing not only the past 28 years but the past 12 years of everything that I have never looked at in my life and pushed underneath the covers like a bad infestation of bed bugs that would not go away.  Now I strip the sheets, throw out the mattress cause its all going up in flames anyway...literally.  I chuckle to myself...
Worthiness is an issue for us all.  For me....I took it in and harbored it within my body every time I cried as a child and there was no one there to hold me.  I took it in every time I was yelled at by my parents or someone forgot to come pick me up at school.  Every time I had a bad test grade or didn't make the softball varsity team or fumbled during cheerleading try outs.  Every time one of my friends I thought was my friend put me down.  Every time my Dad came home drunk and beat the crap out of my mom and brother and I could not save them.  Every time I did something I thought was a good thing and was yelled at by my Uncle for being 'stupid'.  Every time I ever did a nasty thing in my life that I thought was good but turned out bad.... I learned that I was not worthy of anything.   And NOW I RELEASE YOU TO THE UNIVERSE AND FINALLY SEE THAT "I AM WORTHY"!!! 
Chicago Marathon...watch out...cause her I come... I 'Carry On'...release the generations of women of unworthiness in my life and their lives and their lifetimes to forever be healed and burned in the fire.  Cause the ashes will be cleaned up and we will start anew again...here we come world...it is time for a new generation of worthy people ready to face life...
I cant wait to see what else I will heal on this 18 week journey...    
To be continued...

P.S.  'Carry On' is a song by the band Fun.   It is a tribute and inspirational song that has kept me going these past several months...here are the words...
 

"Carry On"
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said,
"We are not,
We are not shining stars"
This I know,
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Whoa
My head is on fire but my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door, hold the phone
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us tonight

'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Oooh.
Oooh
Oooh
Oooh

(No one's ever gonna stop us tonight)
(No one's ever, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop us tonight)
(No one's ever, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop, no one's ever gonna stop us tonight)