As an adult child of an alcoholic father I often run into my own bouts of depression. It is like there is this switch in my head that gets turned on and boom…I’m in dark mode again. Typically, the pattern goes like this…in life I have several great weeks of feeling blissful about the world and everything going on around me. My children are doing well in their activities and their endeavors, my husband is doing his job and continuing to be a wonderful father, I am immersed in plenty of projects around the house and building my business…and then all of a sudden I get hit with low energy, fearful feelings, and hopelessness. My husband feels that it is cyclical. Instead of having just PMS symptoms once a month that I seem to have an extra bout of emotional overload. I admit this to be true. I have several low points a month, several. At these points in my life, is when the dark figures emerge with their crinkly raisin looking and nutty feeling heads. Like scavengers these figures in my life look for any kind of wrong doing they can get their hands on. “Woops”, they say, “Somebody didn’t clean up after themselves in the bathroom…somebody didn’t put their dishes away…my husband is spending too long on the computer and not giving the rest of the family enough attention, the kids are talking back to me again, my face is getting wrinkly, I look so old, etc., etc., etc.” The list can go on and on and on. There really is no end to the possibilities of wrong doings that can happen around my house. Once that switch is hit…I’m off to judge the world!
Darkness is like a little mountain climber who is determined to climb to the top of the mountain and conquer me! It takes a while but he will do it and he will sneak up on me. He feeds on judgmental thoughts. He gets one…like, “the toothpaste is all over the sink, again!” and before I know it he is off and marching a little further up the hill. Until finally he has had so many negative thoughts feeding his travels that he is all of at the top of the mountain going, “Ha, Ha! I’ve done it again! I’ve conquered!” Before I am able to notice and knock him down there is an eruption of terror and fear inside of me called, “The Mother Load”!!!! Then it is tumble, tumble, tumble down the mountain to the other side…wait until the rock and debris clears and then we can discuss further what is “really” at the root of all these nasty thoughts that plague my head. What is it??????? Why do I keep up this monotonous string of feuds that bring irrationality and fear trailing into my life over and over again? And why do I allow it to happen?
I have come to the conclusion that it all is rooted right back into my childhood….this is exactly how life was lead at my house….this is what I saw on a day to day basis. A house that seemed settled for awhile but was ever so gradually building up tension until all of a sudden there was an explosion of violence and boom the eruption happened. It would require a settling down of the debris in order to even partially face the issues at hand. I say partially, because my parents never truly got to the root of their problems. They lingered around for awhile and eventually they would always end up playing the blame game that would multiply and divide and build up into more irrational fears. These fears would never be resolved and eventually turn into a volcanic eruption again and again and again.
I believe that I am truly fortunate to have a partner that refuses to play this game with me. You see, I end up playing it out in my head over and over again, with my hiker of darkness, who lives in my own world that I create up there in the dark crevices of my brain. Then I perceive my world as darkness and despair and when I can’t take the noise anymore I erupt. My husband feels the eruption and stands as a boulder of strength through it all never rattled or moved by its intensity. He is grounded in his truth and will speak only of his truth when the eruption has settled. Like a patient panther he waits until the moment is perfect and then he allows himself to divulge his instinctual assessment of the situation. Together we discuss, fair out the limitations discovered and awareness gained and then move onto higher and higher levels of evolution. The idea that these are old patterns that do not work for me anymore is clear and intense. Every time it happens it is like a freight train has come through my head and it take a miraculous sweltering of healing to lift me up into my truth again. What do I learn from all of this?
Darkness never prevails. Light always wins. When the dust and smoke clears there is never a darkness that remains, there is always a light. We learn from our mistakes…that with awareness we may repeat the same pattern over and over again but the point is that each time it is repeated we come to new and higher stated of consciousness that reveal the roots of what is truly going on behind it. I continue to act out my childhood in my relationships that are closest to me with my husband and my children, why????? Because I need to get over this crap and let it go! But the switch continues to be turned on again and again. So what do I do? I turn it over to a higher power, my co creator…my God. I ask for the assistance of Her angels and ascended masters and they take the new awareness out of my heart and bring in the energies of love and healing. They life it out of my body like a glaze of darkness that has been seeping throughout my bones and organs for years and years…secretly sneaking up on my ever present being and destroying the life of awakening and consciousness I have been trying to build. They take this darkness that has lived with in the depths of my existence ever since I was a child and they allow it gently pour out of my body into the ever present sea of eternal existence that can transform anything into beauty and light. Archangel Michael and Raphael and certainly Metatron take this ever present darkness and lift it up to the eternal Consciousness where it is transformed into pure sparkly white light. This new frequency of love and healing comes showering upon my body like sparkly snowflakes that settle on the Earth’s floor. The sparkles cover my body as a blanket of snow. They sparkle and shimmer and sink deep within my cells. They melt into my body deep within my skin to embrace each tissue and organ that has ever been shadowed by fear. They soothe and caress the cellular structures so that they understand that Love and Light is the only way. At the same time a tunnel of white spinning light…a kaleidoscope of all the colors of the rainbow swirl into one light field cylinder that drops down through the crown of my head and makes it way though my neck, spine, and down to the roots of my being, my legs and into the Mother Earth. This kaleidoscope of healing that came from above joins with the Mother Earth and pulls the ever present vibrant, grounding, and earthly loving energy of its Mother up with a powerful molten rich lava texture full of vibrant orange and red and purple and browns that fill up my being to the core of my nervous system and spinal structures. With this feeling of elation my heart explodes in a blustery color of greens and pinks and I am finally healing and understanding that life is fully lived through the heart of your being. Like the words spoken to humans everywhere I hear, “... Life is meant for feeling and healing…life is meant and truly led only from the heart of you & the heart of your Creator. Together we are one and living the life of heaven on Earth.” With this the Angels and Ascended ones take a blanket of pure white ‘knowing’ and lay it over on my entire body and cover my head so that I may lay here for awhile and soak up the truest form and essence of my being; LOVE. I stay here for awhile and allow all the parts of me that have ever been affected by darkness to continue to melt away. As I do this, LOVE continues to consume my being and lift me up to higher and higher states of consciousness.
This is what it is like to be me…
Once the integration is complete…they gently lift the blanket of light off of my body beginning at my head. As they do, I am instructed to rise into my newness, my original state of being when I came into this world; Divinity.
And it is done.
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