Dear Mom,
All that I am, all that I ever have known I learned from you ages ago. You are my mother, my eternal bliss, my passion, my wonderment, my place to softly fall when I feel beaten and worn. And now you are gone. I loathed that day. I remember it well. I was lost in a haven of darkness back then. The night before your death. I felt it coming. I knew…I knew I could not leave your side…I had been in that hospital many, many times. Sitting by your side. Watching, waiting, knowing the day was coming. Knowing it was to be here soon. What a nightmare it was for a girl so young. I was only 16, and so much loss I had already endured and now this? How could this be? How could God have done this to me? Was there even a God? For at a loss, I was, I did not know. I was 16 and so much without training. So much of life I had already missed with you being sick for so long and in denial of your life, your past, your regrets, and all the things you wished you had or hadn’t done. Now, it all came down to this…these final hours. I was permanently loosing you. My tears would never stop…they would continually role. How bitter sweet this was for me long, long ago.
Today…as a mother mothering my children …I miss you. I have told you this before. I know you hear me I know you listen. The roses I see everywhere tell me so. You are my Mother Mary. It does not matter what happened in the past, it does not matter all the regrets and all the crosses that you carried. I forgive them all. I forgive you mom. I forgive the life of pain that you lived, the life of regret the life of remorse and solitude that overwhelmed you. You gave up…you told me. This world was too much to bear. Too difficult, too harsh, too everything. I’m sorry that this is what happened to you. I’m sorry that it was difficult for you to see the light, to see your light. I know. It does seem hard and difficult at times. I know that life seems too much to bear. But you taught me some incredible lessons from your death. You taught me that life is not all that it seems. That life can be all or anything or nothing that you want it to be. That we have choices, that we have abilities, and strengths, and will, and divinity within us all. Yes, you taught me that. You taught me all of that. As I watched you go through your pain and struggles as a child I took note of what effected you and how the choices you made brought you to that point of surrender of release into the infinite bliss. It was your job to teach me and you did it well. I thank you for this. I thank you for all the times that you did not have the courage to leave dad... for all the times you did not feel strong enough, for all the times you endured his anger. I forgive you for taking on the weight of the world upon your shoulders and never learning how to release it. There were so many morsels of light that came from us learning together. I can say that I now finally dance in our relationship. With you on the other side and the veils being so thin. I know that you guide me and protect me. I know that you bring the people into my life that you wanted to help bring into my life while you were here. I know that you watch over my children and that you speak to me through them at times. I know that you encourage me through other Earth Angels that walk this planet in light. I thank you for this.
This day, 24 years ago, you took your last breath and spoke to me for the last time, and looked upon me from your earth bound body. I remember staying forever in that hospital room and waiting and knowing and not caring about the cares of the world. I remember learning a profound lesson on that day. The light of our existence never dies with us when we go…it lives on eternally in the hearts of all those that ever were around us in our living years. Our beingness lives on, always in all ways. It is the memories I carry in my heart that live through me daily when I am with my children. It is the heaviness that I was able to release for both of us when I realized that I too had taken on the weight of the world. It is through my healing today that I know that you heal beyond. I know that our connection is strong and as I heal, you heal, and our ancestry of women heal. We are connected on levels that are inexplicable with human words but only felt serenely through the heart. It is in knowing that through my forgiveness and transformation that we transform together. I see your cancer as healed, I see you blissfully living the days that you had always wanted to live, I see you dancing with my children today in happiness and joy, I see you being everything that you ever imagined yourself to be. I see this because I forgive you and more importantly I forgive me. Thank you mom, for the memories, for the lessons, that could have only come from the life that you lived. It was through your life that you gave me life and for that I can only be thankful. Thank YOU.
Eternal Love and Eternal Light,
Your Daughter
