Dear Dad,
This letter has taken a long time for me to write. It has been over 24 years since we last set eyes upon one another. I know we have spoken in the past only a few times over the phone, but it doesn’t begin to satisfy the need for me to write these words to you. You know I have three children now. They are all still young, Ethan 11 years, Aiden 9 years, and Eleanor 6 years. I named Eleanor after Mom. Eleanor, from the Greek origin, means “sun ray, shining light”. This is exactly what she is. She is an incredible bright, shining light full of joy and powerful presence. I feel that Mom was the same way at one time in her life. I see much of the potential that Mom had in my daughter. For me, this is healing. Eleanor, my daughter, symbolizes hope, light, and freedom. She has all that we never had as children. As I watch her grow and become in every moment of her life I see her living the life I had always dreamed of living. I also see in her presence her ability to bring light into someone’s eyes when they are feeling the darkness. She does this so easily. Fortunately, there is nothing that will dim her light and she will live the life that Mom always deserved. In this, there is continual healing for our past and our ancestors that came before us that lived the patterns that we repeated so unconsciously throughout our lives. She is living in a new generation of light, lead by her heart. For that I am thankful.
I have a son, Aiden. The name Aiden, is of the Irish decent, meaning “little fiery one, little fire”. This is exactly what he is. He is a star in everything he does with his relationships and his everyday actions. Everything he puts his hands on he completely consumes focusing all his energy on completing the task, whatever it may be, thoroughly and always with his ultimate best efforts. Like a fire that consumes everything that is in its path. So does our Aiden. He does not rest. He completes everything he starts. He is also fiery at heart; compassionate and caring about his family, friends, and animals. He is always sure to please anyone who invokes a relationship with him. He will always be on your side and dedicated to the cause. It is no mistake that he looks exactly like his Father. They could be twins and their hearts hold the same twin flames. They are fiery at heart, dedicated to the cause, and compassionate in the process. Aiden has been a place of healing for my heart as well. Always showing me the endless love and compassion in his heart. He is a wonderful gift of warm snuggles and a gift of compassion for all. He lives his life through his heart fully, feeling his every moment.
Finally, Ethan is our oldest son. The name Ethan is Hebrew meaning “strong, firm, and safe”. These are very appropriate descriptions of this boy. As you may or may not know, Ethan was born with a disability called Spina Bifida. His spinal cord was not formed properly in the womb thus causing him to have various problems with his leg strength and many other functions in his body. He was never supposed to be able to do many things that he does today. Nothing stops him. He is always working hard and plays many, many sports. His tribute is the strength and firmness he uses to approach life. He comes at everything with an attitude filled with fortitude. He has an incredible strong upper body that he uses to help him walk with arm crutches. He is strong willed and determined to do things ‘his’ way in all areas of his life. At the same time he approaches his relationships with people in the same manner; strong at heart. He has inspired many with his strength and determination in life and continues to inspire people every day. He has taught me the real reason we are here on this planet and that literally ‘anything’ is possible. He has given me the strength to live my life the way I do and in the manner that I do it.
My children have taught me what family is all about. They speak to me every day through their actions and their words and help me to define our life in every moment. My life growing up was completely different than theirs. For this I am incredibly thankful.
Dad, I know that you did everything that you could do to be the best at what you were when I was little. I do have some wonderful memories of laughing in your presence. I thank you for teaching me about life and fully living in the present moment. Unknowingly, you taught me about the darkness in life which eventually propelled me into my light. I’m sorry that life seemed dark and unbearable for you many times. I’m sorry that it was often difficult to find your light. I’m sorry that the patterns of rage and abuse went on for so long. I’m sorry that it was so difficult to find yourself and in turn find your family. I’m sorry that we never had a relationship built in love. I’m sorry that life has past us by for so long without healing our family. I’m sorry for the powerlessness you may or may not have felt. I’m sorry for the feelings of abandonment that may or may not have been there. I’m sorry for not reaching out to you sooner. I’m sorry I was angry for so long. I’m sorry that we missed many years together. I’m sorry that life turned out the way it did. I’m sorry for your past as a child and the loss you endured. I’m sorry for the losses that we endured together during my childhood.
I also want to thank you. I thank you for teaching me about my light. It was through watching your torment and your disrepair that I was able to find myself. I learned what not to do. Even when I began to repeat the same patterns in my life that you taught me…I was quickly able to understand where they came from and put an end to their travesty. I thank you for no longer having to live in darkness. I thank you for the power to end the lineage of self destruction in our heritage. I thank you for ending the patterns of depression, addiction, and self destruction that has filled our heritage. I thank you for the lessons I learned as a child that have helped me to heal into the present moment and forever change the future. I am thankful for everything I was or wasn’t as a child & adult, everything I did or didn’t do as a child & adult, everything that I felt or didn’t feel as a child & adult, and everything that I would have or should have done or didn’t do as a child & adult due to the fears I unconsciously took on from our relationship. In this writing there is forgiveness and there is the knowing that there is healing. There is a miraculous feeling in the present that takes away all the burdens that we have ever felt about our lives individually and collectively. As we heal our relationship we heal not only ourselves but all those in our heritage, our ancestors, and the other current relationships of fathers and daughters that need to be healed. Our healing extends beyond what we can imagine. It takes us to a new level of being. For this, I thank you, I forgive you, and I ask for forgiveness from you. Forgiveness wipes away our past, clears away the thoughts about our future, and brings us into the present…where miracles happen. You taught me that. I thank you. If we can ever have a relationship again, whatever that may entail I accept it and am grateful for the possibility. I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and I feel you in my heart. You are always there and I love you in this moment and every moment.
Love,
Jennifer
